A quest for meaning

It is no wonder the sun was something worshiped. In many senses, it embodies the qualities of God, at least the God I understand to be out there. First of all, I'm not exactly sure how it works, or why. Pretty self-explanatory. It is quite a glorious thing too. It is so bright that you cannot stare at it, for you own personal safety. It can be a source of light and heat and we need it, but sometimes those things can be prety difficult to suffer through. Its an interesting balance. Anyhow, I was watching the sun set, and just thinking about how beautiful that is. I hope we keep spinning and it keeps burning so that I can see another one (cuz I'll be sleeping through the sunrise...=p). But in that sense, it can be alot like life. Its exciting when you're at the beginning of something, and there is he monotony of "just getting through" and seeing the beautiful end. I think oftentimes we take fr granted the middle section of just getting through. Because it can be a drag, and it can be hot, but it is also the peak of how/when we experience the sun. Now I don't know if all of this metaphor actually holds true for God, but I do know that I suffer when things cease to be new. Instead of hoping for more sunsets/sunrises, I want to see each of the little motions of the sun as it moves across the sky as something valuable, something important, with a chance to grow in each instant. Sometimes, that can be growing in faith, or in a friendship. Growing sin strength, or weakness. Anyhow, this portion of the blog is going on for a long time, so apparently I have something to say about it, and I need to write more.
The word of precious came to me as I was thinking about God while watching the sunset. And having just read "Fellowship of the Ring" it is no wonder that I think of Gollum when I hear that word. But I wonder if he was not on to something. He dedicated his whole life, his whole being to one thing. That sort of die-hard attitude has always been hard for me to come by. I wonder if Gollum had not been trapped seeking ever after an item that caused pain, suffering, death and destruction, if he would not have been portrayed as the hero. Perhaps he is offered as a foil to Frodo. Frodo is quite dedicated to his purpose of the destruction of the Ring, even if he must die, he says. Anyhow, that sort of dedication is pretty cool, and can be admirable. Just gotta pick the right thing to follow I guess.
I've read malachi like three times in the past week. Its really an awesome book. I've always had trouble matching the Old testament with the New...and you would think...that being the last OT book, it would have made sense that it could act as a bridge to the NT. It totally sets up some of the things you see in Mark, and helps to understand the context and need for Jesus, and what exactly his mission was. It is an interesting dialogue between God and Mankind. I'm having a hard time understanding some of the answers, but nonetheless, I have something to study at least!
been reading Vonnegut (go figure) and I've discovered that I like him even when he writes in a non-Vonnegut way. His ideas still shine through brilliantly, and its awesome. the last chapter I read in Player Piano really sets up and interesting question. there is a protagonist and a main story, but there is sort of this side story about a religious leader from some far off country. There are some really awkward interactions, especially as they relate to the religious leaders' idea that the "average person" is in his language a slave. In some ways, we are, and I think always will be. It is important that Paul calls himself a slave to the Lord. I think the one choice we get as slaves is who our master is...but a different point. He is exploring all the modern conviniences of this new society, and all the household chores now take a few minutes. He asks "what is she in such a hurry to get at? What is it she has to do that she mustn't waste any time on these things (cooking, cleaning, etc)?" And one person answers "Live! Get a little fun out of life."and then the religious leader asks "and how is it that you live and get so much fun out of life?" and they answer with an explanation about TV, and spending time with the kids, and that the kids are probably watching tv at some other persons house. Even the religious guy from another country, who should be impressed with all this technology recognizes that there is something lost there...not just in TVbut in the whole of Vonnegut's created world. There is something missing. And he commands them to "live" in his own special way. It was quite a powerful scene. and I'm not all sure why it hit me, but there are obviously times when I feel like I'm living and times when I feel like I'm just wasting time and claiming to be living. There is much more to be said, but I'm beginning to fade. and this is a long blog.

kinda pissed!

Grr. So I love my family, and most of the time they have done things way too good for me. I can't hardly complain about anything they've done, its mostly been out of love. But I don't know whether it is the fact that I'm growing up and becoming more aware, or just recent developments, but there have been a few incidents that have just really pissed me off over the past two weeks or so.
First, my uncle always comes out here, so I'm used to seeing him, but my uncle from Texas came out too, so my dad could be together with his brothers...I think they said it was the first time since 1985. That is way too long. But the one Uncle from Salt Lake City refused to come over when we planned a large get together. He wouldn't even stop by any other time. I really don't understand what his problem is, its hard to pray for him, and I don't know what to address with him. After he left, too, he called to talk to my dad about his health! Rrrg. He was here for a whole week, and all he did was watch people play golf! I am not sure he ever grew up.
Secondly, my brother planned a trip to come visit for TWO WEEKS, during which time he knew that I would be away. He has supposedly like 2 + months of vacation time (that he has to use by the end of this year!), and could have planned it for a week or two later, or right now! I'm really upset that I won't get to see him or my niece or my sister-in-law. I just don't get it. My sister will also be busy during that time too. So it just seems inconsiderate, or maybe he doesn't want to spend time with us. I don't think thats true, but thats what this message implies to me. Same thing, I don't know how to pray for them, or what to say to them. Furthermore, they said that I owe my Niece a trip! Because they planned theirs when I wasn't available!!!
Not very happy with parts of my family. Love 'em dearly, but they're hurting me right now.